Lately,
Love has been on my mind. Not the love thats between my friends or family but real love. My brothers are all married just about & I've seen wedding after wedding. I mean, granted they are all older than me but these weddings caused me to be a better man, ever since the first one in 03'. These weddings have shown me what Godly men look like & what Godly relationships look like as well.
So, as I became a man faster than most men, I grew into a mature individual who attempts to walk like Christ. Molded by the hands of God, I stand at the top of the steps with my chest out because I am a man. Granted, I still make stupid decisions or even sometimes act like a young buck but without of doubt, I have grown into a man. Day and Night, Night and Day, watching the pioneers before me, && praying for those behind me. As I learn, I soak in each little thing & have grown into a 20+ year old, 18 year old.
I guess I mature quicker than some, which makes my age for females out of the league. The past girlfriends I had have been older than me by years. Now, I'm 18.
18 with a mind of a man looking for a woman in a field of girls. I tossed my pitch at a hitter that has played in my ballpark for about a year now. I threw a perfect pitch, and she did a perfect swing. It was a game of give and take, and a game of sacrifice as well as things that bettered us. One time, she stole a base on me. In lamens terms, she broke my heart. I'm still cleaning up the individual pieces of it.
All of the preperation, and all of the becoming a man only to get it shattered by a girl. Dig this, she was a female of the 'Church'. We both were working at it, becoming a stronger couple & living for God together then BOOM... blindsided. It was equivolent to me playing a zone coverage against a strong passing defense; Keep your eyes on the ball & the Quarterbacks eyes. I expect for the whole defense to become a team & for the linebackers to cover the slot receiver & I will take care of the flats.
In parallel, the chick & I were the defense. We were in practice, if you will, learning to work together as a defense against the trickery offense of Satan & his goons. Game time. I, get left all alone in the flats and the rest of my defense quits on me. Now, I got scored on because no help.
In Lamens terms, She left. Blind sided.
So, where does that leaves me?
That leaves me with my back turned to every girl who walks in/out of the church doors. I know it sounds harsh but I have been wronged by the church on so many fashions, I don't even want to hear it. If I can just surround myself with real people who love God, but love themselve and love others.
Ofcorse, that's not my mindset now but it was. Now, I'm thinking that I just want something real. A boy has become a man but still no woman by his side. I have learned in the recent past that you have be content with singleness & for the most part I am but occasionally when I go to these get togethers & see the love in couples, I want that too. I can't help but tell myself, "Dude, get a woman that you can cater to."
I want a woman that I can cater to. A woman that can come to me(after God of course) for her problems and a woman that knows her worth. I want to be able to provide these strong, broad, football player shoulders to a female in her time of need, comfort and most of all peace. I want to be able to tell her how beautiful she is & admire her beauty from the neck up. Dreamin' about the day I can take her up under my arms in the post hours of a wedding day. I want a woman who would love to travel to visit family.I want to be able to study the word reading about who she is & who I'm trying to be & who we are aiming to be; In Christ.
That's my baby. My wifey. I love to believe that a mix between Beyonce' and Snow White will arrive at my door step but it ain't going to happen like that. Only in nightmares. I dream of the queen for me. Maybe I met her & don't know or maybe I meet her tommorow. Either way I will be ready.
I know I'm not the best package. Besides my buldging faith and arms, the rest is just little details. I have a moody streak, not the best smile, shy, weird habits, weird interests.... the list goes on. On the plus side, I'm brown skinned, 5'11, 185 pounds of muscle, college athlete, 13 year musician, and an attitude that resembles a leader, attractive [(maybe) Lately, they have been saying I'm a mix between Flex Alexander from One on One and Taye Diggs] (?). I'm sure theres a woman that wants that. I'm sure of it, just got to chill I suppose.
I dream of a relationship that others can only dream about. I dream of a love that silence says I love you. I dream of a love that is a hand in hand relationship and that is comforting. I dream of a courtship that God stamps his approval on and that is so supportive that even the strongest bombs can't tackle the giant. This love, this love is the result of patience that I have to master. I'm working on though. I pray that if I met her, she will surface herself amongst my heart. I pray that since I'm a shy brother, she won't be a shy sister. I mean, I love to be the persuer but I need a hint. All I need is a hint to know that the treasure is some where on the island, then and only then will I make my quest to discover the gold. I pray that once I set out on this quest, I don't land on fools gold.
I pray that someone has the remedy for the broken heart and the conversation to mend a hole. I thought I would never get my heart broke because I never set myself up like that. I trusted someone and got dragged through the thorns without her knowing it, or without paying attention. I used to say, "I'm a man, My heart don't break." Nigga...WHAT! Its in shambles...well, was. Now its slowly coming together but I tell you what, the next woman I trust will be a good one. I won't just trust anyone anymore.
So, kind of have a song but I don't...?
"The king needs a queen, complete the royal flush,
The king don’t want the queen completes the royal lust,
Love built off of kisses and hugs,
That can’t be love,
That’s the love that left Lauryn Hill with 4 kids and drugs,
I just dream of woman who realer than reality,
Who love don’t fall out like baby teeth with cavities,
The only thing left real, is the ones who is themselves,
I got to run out of the church when I need help,
I pray for a woman who can really see well,
Always moving in life, faster than horses on treadmills, "
- Bad Dreams
One thing that I dream of, my ultimate dream in the whole wide world of love is that, No matter what I say, What I do, What I don't do, Where I go, What I wear, How I act, or When I go, someone will be here from me. I will never wake up to a cold shoulder with that someone in my life.
Until we meet agan
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